On Breathing

Monday, May 28, 2012

You know how the medical team in the delivery room rejoices at the sound of a newborn’s cry? It just made me think of how pain and tears are big part of our lives. Ironic how pain is always the last thing we want to feel and crying is always the last thing we want to do.

Yes. This is THE break up post my friends. First one. Therefore, I can’t not write about it. I will try my best not to exaggerate the facts. I just want to merely write about the truth of how I felt in painful detail; not only for therapeutic purposes but I want to share this to everyone who cared reading--- everyone who endured, will endure and most of all, is enduring the pain of broken relationship.
The first three days were the hardest. As much as Iwould like to keep it to myself during that time and break it to my family sans the drama, I wasn’t able to. My tears amazingly took a life of their own and would inconveniently fall during random times. It was painful. I’m just thankful for my sister at these times when, like when we were just watching t.v. (it wasn’t even drama!) and when she catches me crying, she would just pretend like nothing’s happening and continue watching. She wouldn’t ask me or say anything. She was just quiet because I think somehow she knew that that’s how I needed her to be. I’ve gotten enough drama from my mom when she found out and my sister knew I needed peace and quiet. And I’m really thankful and I appreciated her more because of that. Of course, there were the nights when I would just cry myself to sleep. I thought books and movies were exaggerating! I never thought it would happen to me. Well, that’s what you get when you fall in love as they say. I knew it the moment I signed up for it.
Those times when I cry all the freakin’ time (believe me I can’t help it!) were when I appreciated a friend’s advice greatly. He just told me to BREATHE. So that’s how it felt, you know, how they say that it hurts to breathe? It was like every part of your body--- your brain, your lungs, your stomach, your kidneys, your heart---were all crying at the same time. But so I breathe. I knew that was the first step.

What made me better were more movies, ice cream, random friend visits (and hugs!), Twitter, prayers and then, more ice cream. :) I decided I would let my guard down. This time I would not let what anybody else thinks stop me from expressing how I feel. So darlings, you too. Only you know how much you are hurting. Only you know how much was broken. As long as you’re not hurting anybody else go ahead and mend it. Write, draw, paint, sing, tweet… do anything you can to get yourself back together again. As Meredith Grey said in Grey’s Anatomy, “You don’t get to judge me on how I repair what you broke.” There.
Don’t ever be affected on what they say on how you “repair” you’re broken heart. (Well, as long as you don’t go declaring World War 3 or stalking your ex or go jumping off buildings then you’re good. J) Chances are, those who are saying something, are the people who weren’t there anyway. So ‘nuff said.
At the end of all the crying and prayers, I just felt liberated and thankful. Yes, thankful. There was even a point when I was crying and laughing at the same time while I was praying. I said, “Lord, tao pala talaga ako ‘no?” Hehe. I was thankful because I knew it wouldn’t hurt this much if I didn’t give that much. I gave. I gave without expecting anything in return. Well, maybe I expected but not much. I learned not to think only of myself, I learned how to be and became selfless. I was happy and thankful because in the end, I got hurt because I LOVED. I did no wrong and what’s more,I did everything I could. I did my best. I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough… (aminin, kumanta ka no?! ;p)

Why the tears you ask? I guess they’re for the memories. For the things we enjoyed doing but may never do again… It’s the pain of remembering all the things that are happy about us.

So I stopped thinking and overanalyzing and just accepted what is. Girls (and if there are any guy readers), it will hurt. Nobody said it was going to be easy after all. But breathe. Breathe and go on. You may even know and accept things that you never knew before or how much books and movies really mirror reality. Know that you deserve better, if not, MORE. Know that as long as you did your best, you’ll never regret a thing. Know that your family and friends are always there foryou (maybe its time you focus on them.) Know that everything that has happened, is just preparing you to be the right person FOR the right person. And lastly, know that pain is not always your enemy. From the day we were born, crying and pain lets us know that we are ALIVE. And for that, and all the things you learned, be grateful. :)

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