Para sa'yo.

Monday, August 16, 2010


A good friend of mine was talking about love dilemmas yesterday and boy did we talk about a LOT of things. (Sigh.) That conversation inspired this piece that you're reading right now, because I know, as much as it's cheesy or corny, we can never be completely knowledgeable or can write about that crazy little thing called love. Love is NEVER overrated.
I am writing this in reference to my other blog entitled, "Of Sadomasochism." (Below this piece.)
(Deep breath here. Here it goes.)

Tanga ang taong nagmamahal. Walang salitang "daw" sa statement na yan dahil alam kong walang taong nagmahal o nagmamahal ang magsasabing hindi sila nagpapakatanga o maaring nagpakatanga kahit minsan sa buhay nila sa ngalan ng "pag-ibig." (Errmmm. Beginning to sound corny. Smiles.) Paano nga naman kasi, sabi nga nila, kung ginamit mo ang isip mo, hindi ka nagmahal. Nag-isip ka lang.

Sinasabi ko lang 'yon. Pero sa tingin ko, sa totoo lang, mas nag-iisip ako. I refuse to be called stupid, mataas ang pride ko at higit sa lahat, dahil I believe in fairness and equality, kung ilan ang ibinigay mo, yun lang din ang itatapat ko. In my lifetime, I've only had 2 boyfriends. None of them lasted a year. Just months. Now, most of you probably thinks I'm the kind of girl guys get serious with. Yan din ang gusto kong paniwalaan syempre. Pero problema ko din yata talaga ang pagiging thinker---OVERthinker ko. Hindi ko binibigay lahat.

Oh, and did I say I would rather be single? Yes. Why? Because I suck with commitments. I can't keep it up. Relationships take a lot of work and I get tired easily. At sa totoo lang, hindi sa lahat ng oras, napipinturahan niya ng multi-colored ang maliit kong mundo. Minsan kahit nagmamahalan kayo, minsan eh mas madalas pa nga sa minsan, black and white pa din ang kulay ng mundo mo. Tipong sa unang tatlong buwan, ayan, makulay. Tapos unti-unting mag-fefade. Parang tv na nasira.

Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko, if you'll make me choose between happiness and peace of mind during the times that you can't have both, hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na piliin and peace of mind. Ang lalim ko naman daw. Hehe. (Blog ko to kaya 'wag kang makialam--kung may sarili kang opinyon at kung sa tingin mo mali ako, freedom of speech lang pare, o kaya para maganda magsulat ka na lang din.) Bakit? Dahil ayoko ng nagugulo ang mundo ko. At yan ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit mas gusto kong maging single. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I live alone and I like it that way. Kalmado ako. Most of the time, I'd rather be alone.

Ang sama na naman ng tingin mo. At least ako, nung nakilala at minahal niya 'ko, ganito na 'ko. ;)

Ayon sa theory ng Sadomasochism, man finds PLEASURE in hurting and being hurt. Sa madaling salita, in PAIN. This concept I learned from Paulo Coelho in his book Eleven Minutes (a very powerful book which taught me a lot about the value of love when it comes to sex.) Pain associated with pleasure? What the F, right?! Pero aminin. Bakit bihira lang sa mundo ang mga taong nagsasabing wala na silang mahihiling pa sa mga buhay nila? Bakit laging may kulang? At bakit may mga taong kumakapit sa away bati na relasyon at on-off relationships. Paulit-ulit ng paulit-ulit but they always choose to stay. Dahil daw masarap ang feeling kapag okay na. Mas sweet, mas thoughtful, mas... Oh c'mon. Dahil ang tao, naniniwala (isa na din ako don sa totoo lang), na after sorrow, comes happiness. Yan din ang binebenta ng mga rags-to-riches concept ng mga telenovela diba? Talaga namang papahirapan ng bonggang-bongga ang bida. Kaya masaya tayo sa pagpapakatanga at pagsasabing may kulang pa. Kasi pag nagsimula kang masaya, alam mong may darating para maging malungkot ka pagkatapos, dahil bilog ang buhay at mas maganda kung sisimulan ang balita sa bad news bago ang good news.

Ganyan ang tao. We use pleasure to justify the pain that sometimes, we inflict upon our own selves.

Pero isa rin ang natutunan ko. Pain and loneliness, it can destroy you. It can change you and take away who you are.

That sometimes, happiness comes not AFTER pain but when we CHOOSE to be happy. Pain has its limits too. Mapupuno at mapupuno tayo. At minsan, kailangan nating mapuno.

Sa mga nasabi at sinasabi ko at kung hindi niyo titingnan ang profile ko, masasabi mo bang "in a relationship" ako? At kung alam mo na in a relationship ako, iniisip mo na sigurong hindi ako masaya base sa mga nabasa mo na. Mali. Hindi kami perpekto. Alam namin 'yon. Marami rin sigurong kulang. May mga oras na hindi ako masaya (siguro siya rin), hindi lahat ng bagay sakin alam niya, pero bukod sa saya, kahit minsan hindi na exciting, kahit minsan hindi ko siya maramdaman, kapag kasama ko siya, kalmado ako. PEACE.OF.MIND. (smiles.)

I am calm especially when he holds my hand. Just by that. Like everything, everything goes away. So there. I love the way he holds my hand and how my hands fit perfectly into his and how I fit perfectly into his arms. (smiles--big one!)

Are we going to break up? Probably. I'm waiting for it. I don't know. 'Cause we did a few years ago. But it happens you know. I don't expect anything but I have my HOPES up. Am I afraid? Let me tell you sister, every. FREAKING. DAY. I always am (which doesn't help with the peace of mind thing.) But I am not afraid to be single (to my mother's horror, dahil nasa lahi namin ang matatandang dalaga and she wants someone who will do a good job in taking care of me.), because sabi nga ni Dr. Bailey sa Grey's Anatomy,

"Don't let any man DEFINE who you are."


At para sa'yo kaibigan, lalake ka mang nagbabasa nito o babae, at ikaw, oo ikaw na nagbabasa nito, you whom the society and even you yourself call stupid and "martir", I stand here before you and I salute all you bravehearts out there, who chose to stay kahit paulit-ulit na. Because God knows, I want to have your courage and your patience. Na gusto ko ring masabi, kahit minsan, na naging tanga ako, and proud of it. At dasal ko para sa'yo na balang araw, siya naman ang magpakatanga para sa'yo. Ay mali! Hehe. Dasal ko na balang araw, hindi mo na kailangang malungkot para maging mahalaga sa'yo ang pag-ngiti, na hindi mo na itanong sa sarili mo kung hanggang kailang ka tatagal o kung kaya mo pa ba, na malaman mo na hindi sa lahat ng oras kailangan mong maging malungkot bago maging masaya at higit sa lahat, bilang isang tanga at martir, na sa kaduluduluhan, magka-happiness ka at peace of mind pa. Oha!ÜÜ


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